Somedays, I wonder is it worth it?

Gobi ka parantha

Mummy aur mummy ka khanna

Mummy aur mummy ka datna

Mummy aur mummy ka bolna

Mummy aur mummy ka ruthna

Mummy aur mummy ka manana

Mummy aur mummy ka gobi ka paranthaa

Missing home, can't wait to go back

Life goes on.
While you embrace all the changes. it becomes a lot easier.

Leaving the city behind is going to be a lot easier now. I shall be taking a lot of old memories, that I still think of, not many fresh new memories to haunt.

Trying to stay positive. I received my CA stuff and it brought me back to the world I always belonged to. Work is stressful, but I will try to try to be happy and work harder.

The absence of one, is the essence for the presence of another.

In unknown ways, I feel lucky to have you.
You treat me like princess and nothing less.

How I felt guilty for moving on and still held on

And now I realize how the world moves on..

Be true to yourself and thats all that matters.

When you look outside, instead of inside for happiness, aspiration, meaning, sooner or later, it leads to problems.

Blue is the colour of the day.

As I continued to ponder about past, present and future, you filled my afternoon with a little surprise.
On my car's dash board, I saw  traces of you.

I gotta stay strong, I gotta pray all along
I gotta have faith, I gotta not sway
I gotta trust myself, I gotta muster courage.

I gotta stay strong, I gotta pray all along.

Lightning and thunderstorm of my mind

The thunderstorm and lightning last night was how I felt. And there is nothing much I can do.


In the morning, the sun came out so bright as if nothing ever happened. There should be hope that it will be fine.

A ngel S..

Very thoughtful of you, thank you :)

I feel thankful for having you as a friend JH, who doesnt judge and who is unconditionally there. 

So far and yet so close. 

I am not ready for this new change...Please God, I do not want to lose myself yet again. I dont want to endure it all again.

Amen.

My little one is off on her own.

May God bless her and be with her at all times.

I shall miss you!

Truly blessed.

I met an old man who couldnt talk or listen.

It reminded me of a poem I read when I was in school,

"Forgive me God when I whine, I can speak and talk, The world is mine..."

What saddens me sometimes is the fact that we see our blessings when we see the less fortunate ones.

Never forget how lucky you are...

Because I can, I will and I must.

There is no other way.

Suffocated

Suffocated.

I am a weed

Feeling guilty because I followed my heart and not hers.

Continuous plans being made to get rid of me.

And I look for an escape while I am trapped.

Silence is not awkward

People find silence awkward.

Words dont always need to fill in the silence..

Sitting next to someone and not having the need to talk and just enjoying the beauty is  a bliss!

I was told by a friend that I am a silent person..maybe layers below layers, I am one.

How does a ritual have so much power to bind two people together for a lifetime?

Marriage is pronounced when its in the mind and soul of two lovers.  

Reality check

I saw racism today and I could not do anything about it.

It does exist, but it is subtle here.

But how can I complain when there is so much discrimination back home, when people make fun of each other openly, where being a mere worker lowers your standard....

The concept of marriage

I dont seem to grasp the concept of marriage.

How can you practically live with someone 24/7?
How can you share everything, your life, even your bed with someone?

It seems like giving away half of your life to someone...

Maybe it is just love, love that keeps it going and a bit of patience and compromise...

I saw myself accepting this until last year but not today...

And then I dont get all the glitter and the glamour that goes with wedding ceremony. I was at a wedding today and I kept on wondering why was I so dressed up?

Friendship's day

Happy Friendships day..

To those who have tied those friendship band for years,

To those who have filled my life with happiness and memories

To those who gave me a reason to smile

To those who taught me to live

To those who only exist in my heart

To those who I love, and love dearly

Missing you all....

Madly in love

I still dream of madly falling in love...

For now, I am madly in love with this song from Mohabatein.....Humko humi se churalo..

An honest confession...
As a kid, I dreamed of a prince charming who would walk into my life, turn it upside down  and then we would live happily ever after...

Where are you?

As I lose my temper while being cut by a reckless driver or at work where I am overqualified for the job, I ponder...


Compassion, humility, peace of mind, patience...where do I find you guys?

The walk..

And it was just amazing to find you after getting lost in the normal routines of life and finding myself in your eyes...

Thanks bud!

Forgiving - 8 steps to let it go!

On the tracks of forgiveness...

Step 1 : Add him back...

Step 2 : Talk to him...

Step 3 : Take out the frustration, the disappointment, the mistrust at the source........

Step 4: Realize that we all are humans and make mistakes...

Step 5 : Become acquaintances..

Step 6 : Check the level of bitterness

Step 7 : Seek the path of forgiveness (Refer step 3 and 4)

Step 8 : Forgive and forget and move on...

For now....Step 1 - Check.

Dont know how long will it take to complete all the steps, but I am on the right path...coz as someone has said..

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people, we do it for ourselves - to GET WELL and MOVE ON 

Trust in thee...

Beginning of ...

When the stars stop twinkling and the moon is no more....its not the beginning of darkness and gloom....but its time for the sun to rise......

The jog

Its the perfect time to stand for the soul...to let the healing happen with one's own medicine...whats the healing for I dont know...but its time to amend things..


Couple of things in my mind ....dance...swimming....roller blading........rock climbing...learning an instrument to play....getting a puppy....

for now its just jogging and meditating....

Two years later....

His apology still brings tears to my eyes...

I have nothing to give you,  not even friendship.
My doors shall be closed.

How do I forgive.....

Forgetting is easy, forgiving hard...

How do I engulf the lifetime and the memories that were to be created and go away?

How do I hold on and not let go?

How do I jeopardize someone else's life?

How do I make someone give up an opportunity?

How do I wake up to find myself somewhere else?

How do I close my eyes not in my bed?

Give me the strength to make the right decision.

Sometimes theres a feeling that something is missing...

amidst best of friends, supporting parents and love, something is missing....

Its hard to start a new chapter
its difficult to take that new route and turn on the road..
its a mission to take that next step on the walk of life.....

feel like i can never trust again, cannot have new beginnings because i was broken, i was bent...

BUT its not right....life gives second chances and they should be grabbed....

I trust in Thee.

To see you nothing is far.

officially a U of T graduate...

Been a long, eventful journey...thank you God and my family and friends...

I missed Masadji, if he had not showed me the path, I would have strayed away.

The chief guest at convocation said there are four things that are essential to be successful in life...they are  good judgement, ethics, passion and vision

having fun

Dress, shoes, clutch, perfect hair, make-up...
That still cant make a night stand out..

its the people, the feelings, the emotion that make any event memorable....

Money can buy appearances and a ticket to an event but not having fun...

thanks guys for making it a memorable one!

UTM

Ended up at the same place where it all started...

Would miss the benches,
the endless free time,
the random moments,
unorganized plans,
library social gathering
supposedly studying
cribbing about marks
being happy about acing a class
a family, a circle, a few unknown names but known faces
the five minute walk
110 bus rides
rez sleep overs
cursing the professors
3 hours exam


so many things....loved being a student...would hopefully always be a student, learning and growing....

Air of life

Sometimes I think I have reached the saturation point.

The marginal utility has been maximized.

AJ often used to tell me that once you reach that maximum level, its just gonna go down the hill.

Maybe, its time. Maybe, its time for change, for the advent of new things.

If the air of life wants to take me, I shall go but in the meanwhile, how many compromises might I end up making?

Found after getting lost

We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it's easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found.


- Cecelia Ahern, A place called here.

I hide and I hide

I hide the thought of your departure with my dress shopping,
I hide my own probable departure by working 9-5 and thinking its all going to be constant
I hide the change in behaviour of theirs by closing my eyes.

I hide and I hide...
Behind the bushes,
Behind those smiles,
Behind those lies

First day at work

Right after graduation, I expect to do big things, change the world, make a difference, just like everyone.

Its like a superman kinda character, the costume is hidden inside the work clothes and waiting to come out.

On a side note, the people seem nice. I am looking forward to spending some time here although my heart skipped a beat when I heard that an external auditor was in the office.

Recent changes

 -approaching an unnoticed milestone

 -got a job

-planning, planning for future (rather conspiring, lol)

-giving up my old phone for a new number

-getting back to driving

-read two books already

The Email

I expected you to apologize but instead you forwarded me an old email I had send months ago where I was apologizing for something I did. You asked me why had I send the email coz you dont remember now.

Ego, it stands between where you stand now and what you want.

Note to self: Never let ego become such a big issue that you cant have what you want. Never let it come between people you love and care for.

To ZA

A sudden change in the weather

A rift all together,

Final good byes

Arrival of a few

Departures overdue

Life moves on just the same

but certain things remain

Memories, thats all we've had, thats all we take

May God bless you with all the happiness he makes.

Cracked walls

It all started last summer. You are partially right, I was seeking a shoulder and you were there. But what you failed to understand is that when I left, I left a part of myself there, with you. You are the first....

Dont ever discount that. I do care.

My self respect means a lot to me. The cracks just seem to widen, no glue can fix this.

The new journey begins...

this is just to remind myself that I might face some hardships in the beginning, but I will get there where I want to. Because its been said that once you know what you want, are willing to strive for it and have let the universe know about it, the entire universe works with you to get it.
Have done it once and got what I wanted.

I dont want to go to Ottawa, time is ticking. Dont give up because the harder the road, prettier the rarely visited destination.

Because I can, I will, I must.

Deepening of (mis)ties

Miles apart and yet there are distances that cannot be covered anytime soon.
Things happened even before I was born. People tried to change and improve things but all in vain.
And all these years, I always felt that the closeness of the whole family has been missing. That feeling has deepened.

I wish I could fix things.

pup's love

maybe your first love always remains special....

update: replaced another girl.

Its weird when that name just disappears
and then comes back expecting things to be the same

Its weird when someone asks you and you honestly have no clue
and that person doesnt believe you

Its weird not knowing where your heading,
but enjoying the journey nonetheless.

Its weird not having all the answers, but its ok, life is about seeking your own answers.

I am not futuristic, I want to live in present.

New Key!

From the corner of my eye, I see the advent of new beginnings.

I often find the beginnings and endings awkward. Opening new chapters of life while putting to rest the old ones.

Congratulations on getting the apartment, my new hub is going to change soon. That key represents another adventure that will unfold in our lives....

And so a new phase of life awaits...

VD&SD

I dont care what people think anymore, where were these people when I needed them?

You can never judge the weather outside by looking through a glass window.

Assertiveness

Sometimes, you gotta make decisions that will not please you or others, but you have to, because you cant make the same mistakes again and again.

My trust

And although I want to flee, I trust in thee.

You were right

You were right...

Additions and subtractions is just like being white and black..but life is not. Life is grey...

I am not disheartened, I shall wait for things to settle down, for you guys  to come around and meanwhile, look forward to things, work and people.

I am hopeful. And you were right, its all about positive outlook.

Life = + and -

Life is all about additions and subtractions...I am close to zero rather than infinity.

For sometimes, even the captain  has to depend on the wind and the weather to sail the boat,
hes all alone but yet, he finds his way out of the storm.

I wish you were here (A&P)

Day 1 of the last week

Although I might say it out loud that I dont wanna leave this nest after 4 years, today,  I think I am getting ready to open my wings and fly. All I need is people to tell me not to go. It doesnt make sense

I feel the connection is missing, I was so busy that I didnt realize it. I do today. Someone walked upto me and asked me.
On the flip side, I continue to make connections, those that should have been made long time ago, but better late than never...I ll always cherish this job, this life, the way it carved my life while I tried to shape others' lives.

Starbucks Gift card, missing the banana as 3rd prize, "you nailed it", clapping at the end of the class,"you are so popular", "you always sleep in this class", MM's capstone, shocking oph stories, catching up with friends, midnight bday surprises, random late night dinner......
 

I am ready, I am ready. Up with positivity down with the negativity.

"There are so many times I have let you down, so many times I have played around, I tell you now that they dont mean a thing...
Every place I go, I ll think of you....

Oh so kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you will wait for me, hold me like you never let me go...."  good times.

I believe that our paths will cross again...in a different world, in a different dimension because thats the connection we share....

Dear Pratik...

Even after four years, that hole in my heart is still vacant....in a way it is good, it remains sacred , it reminds me of you and on the other hand, it aches ...

Wherever you are, I hope you are fine.
The memories are always there, as fresh as new
I had always known and still do
Your love, your care
I miss you, but the pain continues to heal
Its just days like these that I dont feel fine
Promise me to meet when its time because I am not going to give up
I want to laugh with you just like old times..


Yeh dooriyan.....In raho ki yeh dooriyan....

Life has such a sarcastic humour! 13th March and it happens again, only worse this time.

Only if

Only if you understood the turmoil within me
Only if you knew what it meant to me
Only if you could imagine how it owe to be
Only if I could express it
Only if I was a painter to paint the image I wish you could see

Then maybe, I wouldnt be this insane and you would have nothing to complain

Har saaza mujhe mile, tujhe milne se pehle
Har dard ke kaate mere pairo ko chube, tere chalne se pehle

Main chahti toh bahot kuch hun, par haqeeqat aur sapno me kafi hai fasle
In faslo ko mitana aur kareeb aana aab lagta hai mushkil

Kal jab miloge tum hume kabhi, bata na payenge tumhe kuch
ankhen jhukha kar, bas chal padenge

tumhari nafrat sahenge aur kuch na kahenge
yeh hai mera pyar, bas yehi hai...

And so today you talked about the future, and there was no glimpse of me there. Thank you for letting me know

There are times when you know you have changed, times have changed but its hard to keep up with this changing life, to keep up with yourself before you can march forward with the ever changing close ones...

Your past plays an important role, I see it today. That is what meant when Danielle came in my dreams last night,  the talk I had with SC, it was important to bring that thing out, that yes, I am insecure, that I dont want to be the third wheel, that I cant see myself being one because it had happened some years ago with Pillai. A natural instinct at an unconscious level...dreams, what tales they say!

Admittance

There is a big difference between surviving and living..

You can survive without close ones, but with friends you live..

Superman of my dreams

You come in my dreams often. Whenever I am in trouble, you are there, just like a superman. Thats what you were in summer. Nobody is perfect, and among those imperfections, you stood out. Thank you for taking good care of me

If I were to count my blessings, I would feel overwhelmed..

And yet, there are few things I want, I wish, the close proximity of love and reality, but I shall wait, just like I did today...is work really worship? or is it love?

Excited for the Montreal trip... some realities will unfold as they say..all the pacts happen to break during slumbers...

Devoid of motivation and meaning of happiness...

There comes a time in your life where you dont know what you are doing, the future looks uncertain and you carry on with the day-to-day life because you have to...

I am not sure what I expect, what I want to be anymore and this is not a good omen...if I am doing everything that used to give me immense pleasure some years ago, why is there this lack of motivation, a lack of desire to achieve a goal, a target set...lack of satisfaction....

"The road seems long, the journey seems stale
Why is it so dull and why is it so same? "

Happy birthday!

To the girl whos gift I still proudly own after 15 years...

Happy Birthday my chadi buddy...We've celebrated so many birthdays together... I wish you all the happiness, love and success in life. I may not be close by to feed you that first bite of the cake, but my wishes are always there...

I am thankful to you for being so supportive in summer. I am glad and feel blessed to have someone like you in my life.

Love you!

I believe

Something I wrote for JH when he was facing trials and tribulations..

Just as the dust seems to settle down in my life, I am confident that the storm will disappear soon from your life, making you a stronger person.

I believe in you!

I will post him at the back of my head in the ignore list. It is not his fault, it is mine. First mistake is acceptable but repeating it again is just foolishness.

I am tired of the fear that frequently engulfs me, I am tired of myself not being able to trust. The fear that gets tested again and again, either I can get back to reality or turn a blind eye to it. It is easy to live in illusion but it indeed takes courage to set things straight.

It is not fair, I cant be this selfish. The more I think, the more indecisive I become. I leave this to Almighty who has carved my fate uptil now...

I owe you nothing, you owe me nothing..

I owe u nothing, you owe me nothing

the world is a stage they say, where people bow to the spectators of materialism, lust  and power

if you cant be veracious, serene and loving

then its true that I owe u nothing, you owe me nothing....

The way you see me, it is clearer than crystal water's reflection. Thank you for being so honest and so motivating now and always. I wonder what would I do without you.

A hattrick and Over over you!

I scored my first ever hattrick in hockey today. I gave it my heart, something I havent done since a long time.
At the moment, I am content and happy.

The journey back home was so calming, and I felt like he is out of my system, full and final. I didnt miss him, didnt feel anything. The memories of those calls didnt touch me. He seemed like someone from school I barely knew. Finally! Thank you God.

Reality and zoned out

eventually it all wears off...the season, the fragrance, the tingy feeling...and reality hits again

On the other hand, dribbling the ball with the stick can be so much fun. It feels so good to be back to playing hockey. For some time, I feel like I am in control, so zoned out and so much in control and then scoring that goal...so not reality!

New year!

It seems like, for everyone around me, the year 2009 proved to be bad. For me, the new year is just a change in numbers. Everything else is the same. Time has elapsed, 365 days have gone by. I have lost some, gained some.  

I am thankful of friends that stood by me when the road got tough. My apologies for not being there when you needed me the most, but I was in my own trouble to realize it. 

Happy New Year!