It is hard to look at this man.
Four years ago, he had helped me get on track in Canada, so confident, so lively and full of knowledge. And today, I cannot comprehend what he says. I try hard to keep things "normal" and continue talking about my college, driving, rez. But I feel uneasy.

He was getting up to wear his jacket. I did not  know whether I should help him or let him wear the jacket himself. I handed him the jacket. On one hand, I wanted to help him and on the other, I was afraid that his ego would be hurt and he would feel that I am having pity on him. I let him wear it by himself. His son comes and helps him. I feel a pang of guilt. I look down and start walking away.

I wish life was not so unfair. His youngest kid never got a chance to see him when his health was great. His wife now is the bread winner of the family. She keeps the spirit up. God, please help her, please be at her side when she breaks down. Please take care of this family. They are beautiful people. The oldest son now is merely 15 years old but his actions are no less than an adult. Please God, help them, let the bright sun shine in their lives.

I am not going to give you that power to break my optimism. With or without you, I can go on, because if its meant to be, it will be otherwise, it shall meet its own destiny.

I am not so excited to go to Ottawa, it brings back all those memories of M. But if my best friends made it through, so can I.

A successful career path is...

I read Johhny Bunko - A Career guide and learnt a successful career path is when...

1. There is no plan - Life changes and so do you along with your aspirations. Choose paths that you know you will enjoy doing. You cant practically work on something 40 hours a week if you dont enjoy doing it.

2. Focus on strengths rather than weaknesses - Rather than working on improving weaknesses, you can bank on what your strengths are. No matter how much you improvise on your weaknesses, you will still be better with things that are your strengths.

3. Its not just about you - Its also about improving other people' s lives such as your clients, your boss and bringing out the best in others.

4. Persistence trumps talent - There are so many talented people, what differentiates people that succeed from the ones that dont, is that they dont give up. Persistence comes from intrinsic motivation rather than external reward such as a reward or promotion. So, let it come from within

5. Make excellent mistakes - Nobody reached the top until they took a risk. Even the basic investments involve taking risk to get returns in the form of interests. Making smart mistakes by aspiring to do something that nobody else has done is way to go!

6. Leave an imprint - Wherever you go, contribute something to make a difference in the community. At the end of the day, you will feel that some purpose of your life has been fulfilled.

Appreciating those little things in life

Little things such as a Christmas candy and a lip balm as a gift can put a smile on your face because someone thought of you....

Both my parents calling me to wake me up for an exam thinking I wont be able to wake up...

Getting to talk about college, old crushes with an old college friend who has just moved to US...

Finding a new bond with someone I had given up on...

Being optimistic that I will find my way....

Thank you God, thank you

kya kahu main

Aur phir ek aur dard hai, yeh dard kyun nahi jaata. 

Woh bewafai kyun mehsoos hoti hai agar main sab bhool chuki hun aur zindagi me aage bad rahi hun? 

Phir kyun yeh beecheni aur yeh dard ubharta hai?

Kyun woh mujhse baat karne ki koshish karta hai?

Kyun main woh pal aur use juda har sach, har sapna, har gham, har khushi, har mode bhula na pati hun? 

Kyun joh raste pe nahi chalna chahti, phir ussi raste pe khud ko pati hun? 

Kyun har sapna aab pheka sa lagta hai?

Kyun apne aap ko bhula chuki ko un yadoon ko bhulate bhulate?

Rabba mere, mujhe khone na dena, mujhe khone na dena...
iss samundar ki ret si zindagi me, lehro ko mujhe bahane na dena...mujhe bahane na dena...

What is courage?

Is it to step up and set the things straight?

or

Is it the strength to hold on to the hub and wait till it withers away?
..just like the laws of economics work their way to reach equilibrium


A poem by Bonnie Lynn Morris

Hide behind your burdens
For a time in life you might
Become a still, stagnant pond
Until your freedom flight.

You'll step out so courageous
And think its all a dream
Until you're moving clearly
With the courage of a stream

Droplets dont choose pathways
They flow to greatness bound
If something blocks your journey
You just simply go around.

The ladder

Sometimes you gotta watch people move up the ladder while you stand and stare, even though you maybe better than them. It is hard but as long as I reach my destination, thats all that matters in the end. This is just the beginning of my long journey. Be patient as long as you can.

A walk to remember

"Your love is like the wind, I cannot see it but I can feel it."

I remember the first time I watched this movie. It was about 8 months ago when I was heartbroken. And I watched it today, it made me emotional. I believe in true love and it will come when it is time because I have faith just like Jaime did.


I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever
And ended too soon
You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark gray sky
I was changed

In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry

Unexplainable actions

Unable to recognize my own acts,
incapable of understanding my thoughts,
Thoughts running aimlessly, and actions following the suite.
What is up with me?

Maggi's birthday

Dear Maggi,

Happy 21st Birthday. I prayed for you today, for your family and your sister who has begun a new journey. I hope you are doing great, your style and spreading that happiness. I know you are always there to protect me just like the way you did when I had lost almost all hopes this October.

But you are missed and all those memories engulf me today although I dont have my j. to actually relive those moments

Who would have known that "signing off" in your email would actually mean literally..

Miss you maggi!

Remembering a few

Relationships are weird...

Somewhere they are getting seeded in the ground
whereas somewhere they have grown completely and reaping fruits in the compound.

Somewhere they have met a dead end,
somewhere they refuse to grow no matter how matters are mend.

Somewhere all you need to do is close your eyes and feel it all,
somewhere even the hugs and kisses cant save the destined fall.

Somewhere you want to start it all over again,
somewhere you just want to cut out that pain.

Somewhere you give up on someone,
somewhere someone gives up on you

and life goes on with all these additions and subtractions

I stop for a moment to ponder it all, why cant I give it all a second chance? why cant I have all the relationships in my pocket? Why do somethings simply die out?

I miss all of you who were a part of me...
A remembrance to MT, NP, PC, SP, PJ, SS, AA, JM, PT, AJ, PT....

Random Rambling

I hardly get what I want...I have always been destined to push myself an extra mile to get the work done..sometimes, its painful sometimes I lose my cool.

I want to close my eyes and pray that all this just disappears. Have been repeatedly taking wrong decisions. I need to live my life, grab the driver's seat and take the lead of the car life.

I am unsure what is stored for me, I am as closed as ever, a closed shell.

I miss Pratik, and wish I could lead my life like him..too much work required! I wish I knew someone like him who could always make me laugh.

Black and white is still what I see, if you are on the wrong side of the road, I will not stop my car life. Then why is it that my co-passenger stops and has desires of being a co-passenger of the person on the wrong side of the road? I feel betrayed of not knowing about the existence of these desires and the mere existence of these desires. Well, maybe, I am not matured enough as yet.

Just when I start taking Canada as my home, things dont seem to work the way they should.

I had a great Saturday but I felt disconnected, living in an unknown third dimension of life, not caring for anyone around me.

Forgetting is hard, forgiving is harder

(dated back in July)

My trip was nothing what I had expected or planned, but it was better than I had envisioned, thanks to a few souls.

I realized that home is where my parents are and nowhere else, anything besides that is merely a house of sorts.

Today, I can say, my wounds have healed partially coz I have forgotten. It will take sometime to forgive and I know I will have to face it coz new chapters of life begin only when you have dealt with old ones and closed them forever. It is like you cant go to the next chapter of a book until you have understood the previous ones.

My craze for adventures has started again, I want to go to Wonderland and try sky diving

Dete hai kyu yeh Dard bas hami ko,
kya Samjhenge woh in Aankho ki nami ko,
lakho Deewane ho jis Chand ke,
woh kya Mehsus karega Ek Tare ki Kami ko… ..

A new beginning awaits

Standing at the crisscrossing of a new life, I want to take a step back and ponder.

No matter what people think, my parents think, I know I can do it, live by myself even though I have never done it before. I will learn, life will teach me. I will bump into walls, get hurt by thorns but at the end, a new me shall be born...

And yet there is this anxiety, but with the best of friends, I know I am just leaving home for another home....

A few lines I penned..

A new horizon, a few new names but the mirror reflects the same…
Hoping for the stars and praying for you,
Leave your footprints no matter where this newness takes you…
Fly high and soar high, don’t look beneath and cry..
You are with me, I am your own…
I am within you…I am your soul..

Cheers to myself

“I did not expect this from you”. “ I am disappointed” .

Its weird how everytime I tell close friends about my recent past, I hear these dialogues and many more (some directly from bolly!) with same analogy. Its hard to explain, coz I know they wouldn’t get it. That is why, I didn’t tell them about it in the first place, right from when it started to when it ended. But I tell them now, not coz I want to, but coz I think I should.

I miss that time, when I did what I wanted to and not what I thought I should. I have realized that many a times, we do things we owe to do rather that what we want to.

This is another phase of getting over it, which is explaining the whole drama to those who still matter. Most of them don’t get it, they think I was dumb but I know what I was and I still know what I am.

And in another perspective, I realised how often we label people as being dumb, I guess, I would be labelled something similar. I don’t care coz thankfully, I did what I wanted to and not what I should. I was sad, but knowing the way I felt for those blissful months, I am happy that I went through all of it, climbing up the hill and then having a nasty fall. It has made me strong, that I can break my heart and still go on, I can trust the wrong person and still survive. I love myself and no matter how disappointed people might be with my decision, I am happy with myself, coz I lived for myself, broke my heart and am back again with a loving heart.

Cheers to myself!

Carrot, egg or coffee bean

Something I read..

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as though just as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil.

In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

After sometime, she turned off the burners. She took the carrots and the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did, and noted that they were soft.

The mother then asked the daughter to take the egg and peel it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.

The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter.

"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

Ask yourself: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor and brings out good from the bean. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes their way.

Aab na ja

I was watching Aab na ja video a while ago in which reunion was the background of the song. I am missing my friends, I am feeling homesick, uneasy. Is it worth the effort of coming to an unknown country where you don’t seem to feel at home and leave your origins and people behind that you recognize yourself with or have shared so many memories and cherished moments? Its like seeing your own reflection in a crystal clear water.
I want to be a part of each and every reunion my circle organizes so I can rekindle myself again and again with people I have grown up with. Missing you guys who were a part of my life once upon a time. I hope to see you this time!

Paradox of life...

Life truly plays games with us sometimes in titbits and sometimes in things that matter a lot...

The biggest paradox of life happened today with me. I booked my "I" tickets today and yet I don’t feel the happiness because ... confessed that it doesn’t seem to be working atleast for him. I cant even come up to say anything, my tears are doing all the speaking today. I feel crap. I shall call him up and talk to him. I don’t know why am I calling him, what am I expecting from him, but I want to talk to him one last time before he goes away from my life forever. It is like a drug, a fragrance, you want to feel and have as long as you can and once, it goes away, all you have left are the memories that remind you of that fragrance.
Loved you yesterday, love you still; always have, always will...