Neutrality

Great news as well as bad news reached me today. Technically, the bad news is not related to me but yet, I feel bad. The good and great news are that one of my good friends,NS, has got engaged (already?). We got a new addition to our family, my uncle was blessed with a baby son. Mom is really happy because it is a son.
I am on an autopilot mode, I dont know how should I be reacting (ofcourse should be happy, duh!!)
What world are we in, when we say the show must go on. In a family, someone has died and sorrowness is prevailing whereas in the other part of the world, someone has come to the world and everyone is so full of glee. Cant things go to a standstill just for a micro second to honour the ones that have passed away? But I guess we cannot afford that, otherwise most of the time we will be in the frozen mode.

Do I technically measure the happiness and sadness, and subtract happiness from sadness and whatever I get is what I should feel? I dont know....

Let it snow...

It seems real now, it seems that I can touch that dream...I dont want it to break...Dad was actually seriously talking about me visiting, the expenses, car insurance I have here....
I shall handle this dream with great care for if broken, it might shatter like a glass...I have not wished and wanted for something so bad, Oh Lord, please dont conspire against me this time, I want to get away from this place and be somewhere where I am more myself and where I know I truly belong, Bombay meri jaan....

On the flip side, am I really protective about my friends? Maybe, I am. The way I behave when I am around SD, maybe its true. I just care for my friends, maybe too much, that sometimes they find it choking and invasion of personal space. Need to back off and let them control their lives and I need to focus on mine. I have few things for once I am excited about; hockey, maybe dance and trying for Palship......
Ah, let it snow, let it snow....

Four changes...

I am just so happy today...i heard a good news that Bits, the first cousin of my neighbour, she is getting married. This is just so cool. First it was Ank's sister, then Bunty Bhaiya and finally Pratik's sister, Supriya Di and now I heard Bittu jiji. Oh my god, now my only wish is to be able to go to India this summer, I can hardly wait. Oh God, please grant me this chance...

And this means, hell, we are growing old, (for once, I am feeling tensed but happy abt it) and I am still single and I am approaching that age of getting married soon. But hell, that shall have to wait, for now, I want to enjoy this moment...the people I have grown up with, they are getting married, they are getting married. Let the words sink in....

14th NOVEMBER

I went to Gurudwara not so much because it was Gurpurav, but more because it was 14th november already in India. I had to go to pray not for myself, but for a dear friend lost in the twilight of life, for his family who has lost more than they could ever gain......

S.T is getting married, it is so emotional to even hear about it, hopefully, I shall witness that wedding, for that is what I owe to him and that is what I would have want to do if he were around. Hopefully, God will grant me this opportunity.

For once, if I could, I would want to ask Him, like each person who has lost someone would ask, why him? He was just so young...I wish there was something I could do to change the current situation. But alas, life at times is given and we have constraints as given, nothing can be done, all that is possible is to live with those conditions....

I miss him, but the pain is less now. I miss him when I am with any guy in this world who cracks a joke that does not make me laugh. I miss him when I play badminton. I miss him when I take the bus. I miss him when my cell phone does not ring...And worst, I cant even do anything about it, just go down the memory lane, refresh those moments, feel what I had and also feel what I dont have...

One day, I believe, I will surely meet him. Someday, I will get to tease him again of how insensitive he is and that day, I shall know will be the day when I would have achieved the greatest wish of my life.....

Many a times, when so many things go wrong, one just tries to be cautious and careful. Just as people know there are thorns in the rose, no matter what colour the rose is, people are always careful of the thorns when they take a rose in their hands. In a similar fashion, I have met so many odds and evens that it is hard to trust someone right away. When I felt like I wanted to talk to someone yesterday, Chints n JH were online, the two people I love to talk to the most these days. But both of them had some work, then why come online? I remembered a guy's habit he told me about. He would come online and if a person he doesnt want to talk to messages him, he just says he is busy. I hope that is not the case with me

And the following day, I end up chatting with Char for more than 4 hours and he feels we are close friends but I am not willing to get close to him simply because I am tired of trusting people.

But they say, people do not forget walking because they fall so often. And so, I shouldnt stop trusting and live each moment happily, although it is so easy to write and think about it but so hard to exercise at a living moment.

Wow, a year has passed since I last posted and in this one year, I have done a self -check.
What I want, why do I feel sad at times, what is my idea of fun with friends.

I know I am unique and so is each person on this earth since no two people are alike.
I now look at myself with different eyes. These days, I have even started to make a list of things that I consider to be fun and should be done atleast once a lifetime. Just thinking about these things make me excited. I want to go rafting, parasailing, sky diving...learn swimming, learn to play an instrument, own a puppy....everyday, the list keeps on adding up. The idea is not to do all those things, but to realize what are the things that you want to do in life that makes it your life, "your kind of life" ..

So, now that I have figured myself out..(guess partially?)...I need to figure out something that I want to do throughout my life and I know when I indulge in these activities, I might be able to figure that out for myself and that is what my career would be ...even though, I am not yet sure what I want to be. I just pray that it does not take long enough for me to figure that out.